


I don't know where I'm going (but everything I do leads me to you)

by returnoftheborle



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, like literally - Freeform, the natasha/bucky relationship is barely mentioned, the only real relationship is steve and bucky, there's pretty much just one sentence, tony stark is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 19:59:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5797822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/returnoftheborle/pseuds/returnoftheborle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The asset did not know who he was.</p><p>The asset did not know who he was, but the man on the bridge (I knew him) did, and so the man must not die. </p><p>So the asset pulled the man from the water. But the asset’s masters weren’t allowed to know about the man, weren’t allowed to know the asset failed his mission (change the world) and survived, not yet.</p><p>And so the asset left the man on the river bank and walked away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't know where I'm going (but everything I do leads me to you)

The asset did not know who he was.

The asset did not know who he was, but the man on the bridge (I knew him) did, and so the man must not die.

So the asset pulled the man from the water. But the asset’s masters weren’t allowed to know about the man, weren’t allowed to know the asset failed his mission (change the world) and survived, not yet. And so the asset left the man on the river bank and walked away.

~

The asset did not know who he was.

The asset did not know who he was, did not know who the man (but I knew him) was, but there was a picture of the man on a banner.

So the asset tucked his left hand (objective: blend in) into the pocket of his stolen jacket and went to the museum. He stared at the pictures, pictures of a man with a face that was his and a smile that wasn’t, and he tried to remember. He stared at the pictures of the man from the bridge (who was he?) and the man was small and then he was big, but he was not familiar.

The asset turned and left.

~

That night the asset dreamed of the small body of the man writhing beneath him. He reached out to touch the man (you’re my friend), but recoiled at the sight of his metal hand. Below him, the man’s moans turned to cries of pain.

The asset woke up screaming.

~

The asset did not know who he was, but the rest of the world seemed to.

Every time the asset checked the news there was a picture of a man from another decade, a man he was not, and a number to call. After the fourth time the asset was forced to move because he was recognized, he called the number.

“This is the Avenger’s Hotline, who is speaking and what is your emergency?” asked a cool voice.

“Tell him to stop searching,” the asset growled, voice husky from disuse.

“I’m sorry, who is this?”

“Tell him to stop.”

There was a pause, and then the voice said, “Voice analysis shows you to be Sgt. James Barnes. Sergeant, if you’ll wait for a moment, Captain Rogers will –”

The asset hung up.

Five minutes later when the phone, a cheap one he’d stolen from a store cashier, started ringing, he ignored it. Ten minutes later, when it was still ringing, he threw it into a river.

Half an hour later, when the Avengers arrived at the warehouse where he’d been hiding, all traces of the asset were gone.

~

That night the asset dreamed again, only this time the man from the bridge (Captain) was big and the asset was the one writhing underneath him. When he reached out to touch the man both his hands were flesh.

The asset woke with tears in his eyes and a stain in his pants. He didn’t know why.

~

The asset did not know where he was, but that didn’t mean his old masters couldn’t find him.

His handler looked different, with burn marks on his face, but he still fought the same. By the time the asset stopped him, his left arm was immobile.

The asset grit his teeth in frustration at what he would have to do next.

~

The asset knew where he was, but it was the last place he wanted (asset does not want) to be.

When Tony Stark turned on the lights in his workshop and saw the asset standing there, he did not react in fear, as many would have. He smiled lazily, “I hope you’re not here to kill me.”

The asset gestured towards his left arm, “Fix it.”

Stark’s (Stark, Howard. Target. Status: Deceased) face lit up with childlike glee. “You’re actually asking me to play with your arm?”

“Not play,” the asset frowned. “Fix it.”

Stark (Stark, Maria. Acceptable collateral. Status: Deceased) shrugged and walked towards a work table, gesturing for the asset to follow. “Potato, potahto. Sit.”

The asset tuned out Stark’s chatter as he stared at the floor, barely registering Stark’s question, “So what do I call you?”

He hesitated, then replied, “Asset.”

~

The asset’s arm was more broken than it looked.

Stark predicted it would take three days to fix it. “But in the meantime,” he said, “you can come upstairs with me and meet the team. Capsicle has been dying to see you –”

“No,” the asset interjected.

Stark shrugged, “Alright, fine, you don’t want to see Steve, you don’t have to,” he replied. He pointed at a cot in the corner of the room. “You can sleep there. I’ll try to sneak you down some food.”

The asset nodded, then turned away from Stark and slunk towards the cot.

~

He dreamed of slinging an arm – his left arm, human – around the small man (Rogers). He dreamt of flying cars and pretty girls and an army recruitment center.

He awoke grinning and breathed, “Punk.”

~

The asset did not mean for Rogers to see him.

He was sitting at the table ignoring Stark’s (Call me Tony) babbling, when the door to the lab opened and Rogers strode in. “Tony, what did you need –” He stopped. “Bucky?”

The asset glared at Stark, who shrugged sheepishly. “I may have asked him to come down.”

The asset sighed, “Just fix it,” he gestured towards his arm.

Rogers approached cautiously. “Bucky… Do you remember me?”

“I…” the asset thought about it. “I don’t know.”

Rogers reached out for him (I thought you were smaller), then stopped. “Are you going to stay?”

“I don’t know.”

~

The asset did not trust these people, but he knew the man he was not would have, and so he stayed.

After the Doctor (Avoid) had examined him, Rogers led him upstairs. There he met Thor (Eliminate), Barton (Eliminate), and Natasha.

Natasha spoke to him in Russian and he had a flash of a little girl with red hair who threw a knife at his head and didn’t flinch when he threw it back.

He called her Natalia and she smiled at him, then said to Rogers, “He’s healing. Have patience,” before walking off.

The asset made a mental note to spar with her sometime.

~

When he had a nightmare that night (pain and ice and a small German man with glasses) he woke up with a shout. Within a minute, Rogers had burst into the room. “Bucky!”

Trembling, the asset shook his head. “I’m not Bucky.” He croaked.

“What?”

He shook his head again. “I’m… I’m not Bucky.”

Rogers titled his head. “What do you mean Buck? Of course you –”

“No!” He was out of bed in a flash, slamming Rogers against the wall. “I’m not! I’m not him! I look like him, but I’m not!”

Rogers nodded slowly. “Ok. Whatever you want.”

The asset nodded and slunk back to the bed.

“What should I call you?” asked Rogers quietly. “I won’t call you Asset. You’re not an asset, you’re a person.”

He replied quietly, “Call me James.”

~

The next day James fought.

He tracked Natalia down just after dawn. She smiled. “ _Zimnij Soldát_.”

He shook his head. “Not anymore.”

“Then what may I call you?”

“My name is James.”

She nodded. “ _Yasha_. You wish to spar?”

“If you will.”

“For you, my old friend, always.”

~

He dreamed that night of a warm body beside him and soft, supple flesh between his hands.

He woke, disappointed that it was not hard, firm muscle instead.

~

After twenty-nine days of Rogers silently eating breakfast with him every morning James asked, “Were we in love?”

Rogers froze, then sighed and nodded. “Yeah Bu – James. We were.”

(After twenty-nine days, Rogers still forgot not to call him Bucky.)

James considered this information. “Do you still love me?”

Rogers blushed and stared down at his cereal. “Yeah, I do.” He grinned softly. “You and me, to the end of the line.”

~

After another sixty-three days, James convinced Rogers to spar with him. If he knew that all it took to get Rogers to agree was to call him, “Steve,” he would have done so long ago.

He had Rogers pinned in a matter of seconds, immediately standing up to go at it again.

After an hour, Rogers finally pinned him. James smirked, “Finally learned what you’re doing, Rogers?”

Rogers grimaced, “Please, James, call me Steve.”

James shook his head. “I can’t. Not yet.”

“Why not?”

He shrugged. “It feels like I’m breaking something.”

“Breaking what?” Rogers asked quietly.

“I don’t know.” James replied. They were silent for a moment, then James flipped him over and stood up. “Again.”

~

When Rogers woke him from a nightmare that night (falling and screaming and a red stain on white snow), James didn’t even think. He just whimpered, “Stevie,” and reached for Rogers.

He woke up in the morning wrapped around Rogers, feeling happier than he’d ever felt.

~

The next time he and Rogers were sparring, Rogers pinned him after half an hour. James grinned and instinctively said, “Not bad for a punk.”

Rogers stared down at him, shocked. For a moment James began to panic, but he barely had time to get through the initial thought of _oh god, I’ve fucked up_ before Rogers was kissing him, hard and fast, as if to make up for the past seventy years.

And Bucky smiled and kissed him back.

~

James Buchanan Barnes, formerly known as the asset, and before that as Sergeant Barnes of the 107th, did not fully know who he was. He might never know.

But he knew he loved Steve Rogers, and for now, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Zimnij Soldát - Winter Soldier  
> Yasha -James
> 
> All Russian comes from Google translate, I do not in any way claim that it is accurate.
> 
> Also, hi! I hope you enjoyed this! It's my first fic without an OC, so idk how it's really going to turn out. Let me know if you liked it!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~Obsessednerd


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